Time to Panic
by Citti-Cat
Summary: This was inspired by the writings of boz4PM and the escapades of their character Penny.  Time to Panic follows a friend of Pennys'  my OC  on her adventures, the possibilities are endless when your in middle earth.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1, It's all a bit hazy

I am currently trying to contemplate the finer points of just how one escapes from a dungeon like cell armed with only a wooden spoon, a fur covered lump of (what I can only assume to be) bread and a tin cup of murky brown water. I can confirm that the guard has definite limitations within his mental capacity. The clouded water could fact be a very special soup. Upon tasting it however I can only conclude that he feels sorry for me and has ground some dirt into the water in hopes of adding to its nutritional value or . . . to. . . help appease hunger. Perhaps I am meant to soak the bread in the water the result being the bread becomes moist and does not absorb the earth. In any case it still leaves me in my present situation with a wooden spoon and no way of getting out.

If I were James Bond this would not be an issue. Without a doubt I would have bedded a young beauty by now, who was somehow associated to the evil master mind that had captured me. Other such fictional heroes of a similar stature like Superman or Spiderman would not have had this problem either. Even if they had been incapacitated their powers would have returned sooner or later. It is so unfair. I realise that I should be very afraid being completely unaware of where I am and how I got here but to be honest I find myself enraged that no one in this positively medieval place understands English, a universally spoken language my arse! I do not even know what time zone I have the pleasure of being in, due to my phone having gone haywire as soon as I tumbled out of the pub, the Elizabethan – but everyone calls it the Liz.

It is a cosy country pub with good beer at a really great price, probably the best pub in the village despite its bizarre reputation for shall we say unscrupulous characters and its tendency to welcome and allow slightly scary patrons to enter its doors. I suspect this may be due to the themed parties they host once a month. These themes range from the wild yet wonderful (which may have featured a wet T-Shirt contest or two, with the appearance of foam) to the just plain weird (as the name of the pub suggests, Elizabethan, where everyone had to speak in old English, which becomes seriously confusing when your drunk).

So the last time that I was in a familiar country it was 'Lord of the Rings' themed, but having no idea what that was I just dressed understated sexy, with a dash of rock chic and an overall effect of elegance. This naturally meant my petrol blue body form knee length dress with spaghetti straps, accompanied by my worn black leather jacket and black leather biker boots to match, little did I know the shock that lay waiting for my entering the Liz.

It was phenomenal the variety of deformed creatures I was then presented with, I could only assume my friends had morphed into them. It was later explained to me that The Lord of the Rings was in fact a trilogy of fantasy books, featuring each of these questionable characters. I grasped the concept of elves and wizards, after all what fantasy book does not include wizards and elves, but then there were `hobbets` and really ugly greyish creatures called `orekes`, why anyone would dress that way I have no idea. Subsequently I was introduced to even more monsters whose species names I could not recall even if I wanted to, owing to possible intoxication, both mine and others.

Over to one corner there were also a group of nine or ten blokes each dressed in black cloaks, I kept wondering if they were going to start lopping people's heads off with long curved blades. . . . . .they didn't. However they did turn out to be the most amazing dance troop, of sorts. Let's just say nine blokes doing the Macarena is not something you easily forget, let alone the fact that it soon became the Full Monty.

As the night began to wind down someone had the courtesy to light up a cigarette and having just quit, a week and a half ago, if I am within a mile radius of one I quite naturally want to smoke a pack or five, so I decided to take my leave. I moved towards the door in hopes of avoiding the more than friendly looks I was receiving from the brigade of blokes in black cloaks. Just as I thought I was home free I found myself surrounded by at least four of the brigade. It must have been their sudden proximity that caused me to trip or stumble, all I remember is becoming aware of being air born and moving head first towards the exit. At the exact moment that my head was due to collide with the door it was pulled open and I was thrown into blazing sunlight.

In complete astonishment of blinding brightness I attempted to stand up as my eyes tried to recover from the shock of such fresh air, rather than the smoky, drink and possibly sick infested waft that engulfs the Liz. I fumbled around in my blindness and steadied myself on what thought was a table leg; I soon found out that this particular table had arms and broad shoulders to boot. He was quite the vision of a Greek God, kitted out in full armour excluding - the helmet. All the while he had that `been in the wars` look down! It was incredible the amount of detail people put into their costumes, I began to ponder whether this was some sort of convention or something. I mean what straight guy pays that much attention to detail for a themed party.

He had shoulder length, slightly tatty hair but he still managed to pull off the rugged look with a stubble ridden well defined jaw. I had no doubt his eyes would feature that smouldering, sexy intensity to match that jaw. If only it did not already display utter shock and dismay at my clearly bizarre behaviour; not only using him as some kind of disabled persons support bar but also gripping his arms while starring him down and attempting to assess whether or not he really was wearing a wig. As you can tell I really am good at making new friends. After that little epiphany I released my death grip on him and began apologising profusely, to which I received an even more bewildered expression. It was not that surprising, considering I twittered on so much I just so happened to briefly include the ever so interesting subject of how one deals with the need to fart in public - especially when knowing it is not going to be exactly quiet. Again I was only strengthening my new friendship in a way only I knew how.

Grimacing I withdrew from the intensity of his gaze and stumbled back only to be faced with the reality of just how much effort the Liz had put into this particular theme. Taking in the full extent of the building it looked completely different, I was left befuddled. I was sure the Liz was plain red brick the night before, I had to put this down to my dizziness, they must have had a paint job and I just had not noticed. It had to have been the wildest party to date, even the sign was absent, I must have drunk more than I thought because I could not remember it being all that raucous. At the time I had thought it was clear I was suffering from sleep deprivation, I could hear my bed call to me. In order to fulfil that command I spun around only to be faced with a blockade of people. Every individual was decked out in medieval attire and armed with wild flowers, there was a palpable atmosphere of eagerness and expectation. Was this some kind of national holiday that everyone had somehow neglected to inform me about, believe me it had happened before - but this time there had not even been any flyers or pamphlets, I was sure.

All at once everyone began to cheer and throw their bouquets down. One guy was so enthusiastic in his cheering he began to froth at the mouth and proceeded to fall on the ground, stand up and repeat the process twice before calming down.

As the crowds had formed on either side of the lane it created a wide channel in the middle, in which a parade of horses and their riders slowly moved up through the herds of enthusiasts. Oh joy, a pony parade, worshipping horses in such a manner was just wrong! - of course if it is done in any other fashion it is fine?

Those in the procession were so graceful in their movements they almost seemed to glide. I did not understand it, was the whole village going insane even these riders were dressed up for this `Lords of the Rings` day. Each of them were wearing flowing gowns, even the blokes though I suppose they are called `robes` in that case, a bunch of girls in my opinion. They all appeared to be somewhat ethereal, such good looking people did not exist in our town nor such tall people, I had to conclude that they were hired for the parade. In fact, looking about myself I did not recognise a single face, even within the throng of people, which was a tad bit worrying and somewhat surprising. Our village was not that big, roughly about 1500 - 2500 people in all.

The mass of people was so thick and impossible to get past I began wondering if I would ever reach my bed, my beautiful bed with clean sheets and a shower, obviously not in my bed that would be ridiculous because I would soon get cold, unless there was some way to keep the water warm at all times? I pulled out my phone to check the time and instead of showing the time, date and Network Company it featured some really odd scrawling. I knew I should not have taken a contract out with Tesco mobile. I really did not think about it, their coverage is appalling, although right now I had five bars going strong. Now this was unusual, ever since getting this phone had I ever had such great quality coverage, it was normally three bars at a push. It finally sunk in, I was not in Keymer anymore, either that or I was going insane.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2,

The insanity theory had a lot going for it.

First of all looking more closely at the riders in the parade they had pointed ears, I mean I know that I have slightly angular ears, mine however do not come to an actual point. There was also a child with a beard and it was not stuck on and he had an axe. Who gives a child an axe? It looked seriously sharp. Then there was Penny riding a horse, on what planet could Penny ride.

I froze, there was a sudden happiness that spread through me at this wonderful realisation, someone I knew was here and even if I did not know where I was, at least I was not alone. Or if I was losing my mind at least there was a friendly face to go on that little adventure with. Though there was always the possibility that I was dreaming. In whatever reality I was present I decided that it could only be confirmed by Penny. So naturally I began screaming and jumping as though mimicking a headless chicken, if a headless chicken could actually do so.

"Penny. . . Penny! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . PENNY" Man that girl was deaf, "YO PENSTER . . . BIG P!" As long as she was not paying attention I thought I might as well have some fun. This was my last resort; I had to use the `forbidden` nickname she was ever so' fond of', no matter how much pain would be inflicted upon me later.

"PEE PEE PANTS" As soon as I echoed the first syllable she began scanning the crowd with a slightly bewildered death glare, moving her head this way and that but still managing not to see me. How that was achieved, I'm not entirely sure. Not only was I the one single person dressed normally but also every one of the surrounding parade groupies was at least half a foot shorter than me. Suffice to say I stood out, much like snow white amongst the seven dwarves and with the looks I was getting you would have thought I was dressed as a sumo wrestler. Now that really would have turned some heads.

Ignoring the attention, I noticed the herd of groupies had begun to move up behind the procession, if I was quick enough I could catch up with Penny and her new crew. Alas those groupies were too speedy; I was quickly surrounded so densely that it was not only my own elbows that were imbedded into my sides. They were strong people, I was basically carried forward following in the wake of those with a horse fixation. There was me thinking band groupies were obsessive and determined. The frothing enthusiast was a few groupies to my right; he appeared to be unconscious and was similarly being carried by the great horde.

As the initial shock began to wear off I was able to take in the pure white beauty of the stone and the enormity of the city as we passed building after building and gate after gate (it may have only been three gates). Each gateway was huge and extremely detailed they seemed to feature carvings depicting various stories. One even appeared to display something a kin to snow white and seven dwarves (the irony) all a part of the great hoax I'm sure.

By the time we had finally come to a decided halt, I was thoroughly uncomfortable and felt somewhat mistreated. Not only had I sustained dents in my arms and upper body from the tidal wave of elbows, shoulders and hands pushing and shoving, but due to a combination of the excessive flowers and less than welcome personal space invasion I had managed to retain numerous amounts of not just petals but entire flower heads within my bra. It was not as though my dress was low cut, so it only enhanced my confusion at the present situation so much so that I had become side tracked and forgotten why I had allowed the mob to engulf and maul me. There was nothing I could do to alleviate my current discomfort, I had no choice but to grimace and bare it.

This at least gave me some space to breathe as the strain on my face appeared to scare a few of the people surrounding me, each of them backing away from me.

With the sudden brake in the crowd I was able to see Penny's head. It was time to be ruthless; I began manoeuvring myself in a way that taxi drivers of the world would have applauded at. This was up until I reached the front of the herd and tripped. Even as I look back in remembrance I hang my head in shame. Not only did I trip but in a manner only I am master of, I was yet again air born heading straight towards a group of young children and an auspicious looking elderly chap.

Despite my unusually girly scream they had no idea what was coming I landed on the aging mans back completely flooring him. What followed was somewhat reminiscent to that of dominos, though thankfully on a smaller scale and exclusive to six people. I internally cringed as I heard a gasp voiced in surround sound.

Within seconds I was dredged up via the armpits by two pairs of metal in cased arms. The pair on the left belonged to the surly looking Greek god I had met earlier, who gave me a look almost as if to say he was disappointed. The pair on the right were owned by a slightly simple looking fellow, who was more rotund than young Greeky on my left. His mouth was lax and he had a simple yet good natured air about him with peacefully slack eyes. Unlike his disdainful counterpart he gave me a sweet smile, upon realising I was observing him, which I returned with just as much care.

Greeky cleared his throat giving Lax a warning look and at once his smile dropped and his head hung ashamedly as he turned to face forward. Greeky and Lax held me in place while I received quizzical looks from a variety of interesting looking characters. There was silence so I decided to break it.

"Sorry to jump on you, I was just trying to reach a friendly face, my mate Penny; who has managed to mysteriously disappear, so helpful!" I directed my apology to the five I had collided with, all of whom continued to look befuddled by what I was saying. The four children with, now that I looked, seriously hairy feet all turned towards some ruggedly chiselled dude in a spectacularly shined suit of armour. As the gloomy faced man before me retained the ability to silence and scatter not only the remaining groupies but also the five individuals I had played life size dominoes with I guessed he was the man in charge.

There was an ominous fear that I felt slowly grip me with each step he took bringing him closer this was only increased by Lax, who began to quiver slightly under his glower. I tried to step forwards to introduce myself but my muscular counterparts only tightened their grip on either side. So instead I attempted to address him verbally "Sorry to 'crash' the party" I grinned at the literal meaning of the phrase, expecting a reciprocated smirk to break the tense atmosphere but the ice remained solid. "I just needed to talk to my friend, to make sure this isn't a completely unfounded hallucination." I now see how this comment may have been insulting on some level but I can think of no logical explanation that yielded this result.

Mr Gloomsbury of the reflective armour appeared to be accessing my mental stability and at this point I was more than willing to plea insanity. Just as I began to feel that I was the single character of a silent film that seemed capable of vocal communication gloomsbury dictated some directions to Greeky casting me a disapproving glare.


End file.
